Fife in the Fast Lane
By M Man
"Where are we?" asked Daria, her eyes closed, leaning back in the passenger seat of Jane's car.
"Just entered North Carolina fifteen minutes ago," said Jane.
"Mmmm," mumbled Daria.
"I can't believe I actually talked you into going to Florida for spring break," said Jane.
"That's the eighty-fourth time you've said that," said Daria, still not opening her eyes.
"Have you really been keeping count?" asked Jane.
"No," said Daria.
"Let's see, you drank beer, talked to some cute guys, swam in the ocean, talked to more cute guys, actually wore a bikini..."
"It was two-piece, not a bikini," corrected Daria.
"... which accounts for the cute guys."
"I felt like Quinn," said Daria, sighing. "At least none of them asked to carry my scrunchie..."
"Whoah!" said Jane. "We need to buy some gas!"
Daria opened her eyes and glanced at the gas meter.
"Yes, we do. Lucky there's an exit coming up. That sign says there's a G and G's gas station."
Jane frowned.
"I never heard of that chain."
But Jane took the exit.
"This town makes Lawndale look exciting," said Daria.
"Where's this G and G's?" asked Jane, checking both sides of the main street. "Did we already pass it?"
Daria looked back.
"Uh-oh," she said.
"What?" asked Jane.
"Cop car behind us. He just turned on the flashers."
"Crap!" said Jane. "What was I doing?"
"Better pull over," said Daria.
Jane pulled over to an open parking space. The officer got out of his car and walked over to the window.
"License and registration?" he said.
Jane handed them to him.
"Boston, Massachusetts?" he said.
"That's right. What was I doing?"
The officer chuckled scornfully as if it was obvious.
"Eighty miles an hour in a downtown 25 mile-per-hour zone."
"What?!?" said Jane. "I was barely moving!"
"I clocked you. You're in big trouble, missy, biiiig trouble!"
"Look, officer..."
"It's Deputy. Deputy Barney Fife. Now follow me to the sheriff's office and no funny stuff."
"... that's right, Andy, I told you this radar gun would pay for itself! I caught these two college girls just tearing down Main Street like it was a NASCAR track! You know what I say, Andy: Nip it! Nip it in the bud!"
Daria and Jane listened with disbelief as the deputy spoke on the telephone with the unseen sheriff.
"OK, Andy, I'll see you when you get back. 'Bye!"
It appeared the conversation was over, but the deputy continued to listen on the telephone.
"No, Sarah," he said with a tone of annoyance, "they're from Boston, not New York. You're not supposed to be listening to sheriff's business!"
He hung up the phone, got up slowly and walked back over to Daria and Jane.
"The sheriff is held up testifying at a trial in Mount Pilot and won't be back until tomorrow. I'm afraid I'm going to have to lock you two ladies up for the night..." said the deputy, sounding like he was enjoying himself.
"What?!" asked Daria.
"Like, in jail?" said Jane.
The deputy pulled out a set of keys and opened the lone jail cell in the sheriff's office.
"Ladies, fifty-five miles over the speed limit isn't a simple traffic violation! Not while Deputy Barney Fife has anything to say about it! Now step into the cell without any more back-talk. Don't make me use this!"
The deputy patted the left shirt pocket of his uniform.
Daria and Jane didn't know what he meant, but they stepped into the cell.
"It is definitely no fun when that iron door clangs shut on you," the deputy said solemnly, closing the door with a loud clank. He gave them a final glance, then walked out the front door of the sheriff's office.
"Well, he's right about that," said Daria, putting her hands on the bars as if to test them.
"Excuse me, how did we end up in jail in this one-horse town?"
"If it even has a horse," said Daria.
"Was I going eighty miles an hour?" asked Jane.
"More like fifteen. This must be one of those speed traps to get money from out-of-staters."
"Maybe your mother can... Daria! Aren't we supposed to get one free phone call?"
"Hmmm. Yeah, I forgot. I guess when Deputy Full-of-Himself gets back we'll mention it."
"Daria, did you see that telephone?"
"I didn't notice."
"It looks like it's about fifty years old."
"Maybe it is."
Just then they heard someone coming through the front door.
"Maybe Deputy Dawg is back," said Jane.
Instead it was an older man with a mustache and glasses. He was wearing a white coat.
"Andy!" he said, then he noticed the two jailbirds.
"Oh, my..." he said, looking at them.
"Uh, hi," said Daria, not sure who this man was.
"Did you see Andy?" asked the man.
"If that's the sheriff, he's at a trial in Mount Parrot or somewhere," said Jane.
"He was supposed to come for a haircut today," said the man.
"Uh, do you think we could use a phone?" continued Jane.
"Oh, I couldn't possibly do that," said the man as if the very thought was unthinkable. "That's up to Andy to decide."
"We're supposed to get a free phone call," said Daria. "It's the law."
"I don't know anything about that. If Andy comes in tell him Floyd was looking for him, please?"
"Sure thing," said Jane as the man left.
"That was weird," said Daria.
"This whole thing is weird," said Jane, sitting down on the bunk.
"So what do we do?"
"Wait until we can use a phone and call your mother."
About an hour passed before anyone else came to the sheriff's office. It wasn't Deputy Fife, though. It was an older woman and a young boy. The woman was carrying what looked like a picnic basket.
"Hello!" said the woman. "Floyd said there were two young women in the jail. I don't think Andy's ever had a woman in there before."
"I think we just broke a glass ceiling," whispered Jane.
"Don't be so friendly with them, Aunt Bea," said the boy, scowling at them. "They're lawbreakers!"
"Now, Opie, that's not for you to decide... oh, by the way, I'm Bea Taylor."
"Jane Lane."
"Daria Morgendorffer."
"... and this is Opie."
"The sheriff's my dad," said Opie. "You two must be in big trouble."
"Actually, it was the deputy that put us here," said Jane.
"Floyd told me you two were here and with Andy not getting back from Mount Pilot until tomorrow I thought you two might need a bite to eat," said Aunt Bea, pulling some covered plates out of the picnic basket.
"Smells good," said Daria, looking at Jane.
"Meat loaf and mashed potatoes and some brownies for desert," said Aunt Bea, smiling. "Sorry for the plastic utensils, but..."
She hesitated and frowned.
"... well, you *are* lawbreakers, after all. Andy wouldn't want me giving you metal knives or anything like that, I'm sure."
Aunt Bea passed the plates through the bars.
"Be careful, Aunt Bea," said Opie. "Don't let them grab you and hold you hostage!"
"Opie, don't be ridiculous!" she said.
"Uh, Opie," said Daria. "Since you're big on the law, aren't prisoners supposed to get one free phone call?"
"That's right," said Opie, staring her in the eye.
"Well, Deputy Fife didn't give us our call," said Daria. "What do you think of that?"
"I don't believe you," said Opie. "You just want to call some of your henchmen to spring you."
"Barney really didn't let you make a call?" said Aunt Bea. "That doesn't sound right."
"Maybe if you handed the phone to us..." suggested Jane.
"The cord isn't long enough," said Aunt Bea, looking at the phone thoughtfully.
"If you just let us out for a minute..." continued Jane.
"Ha! I knew it!" shouted Opie. "It's a trick so they can escape!"
"You may be right, Opie," said Aunt Bea, now looking suspiciously at Daria and Jane. "I think you two should just wait until Andy gets here. I'll wait here until you finish your supper."
"I guess we're here for the night," said Jane after Opie and Aunt Bea had left. "Cheaper than a motel."
"You're forgetting the speeding fine," said Daria.
"Eighty miles an hour? I can't believe..."
Jane shook her head in disbelief.
"So who gets the bunk?" asked Daria.
Jane held out her fist. Daria did the same.
"One - two - " counted Jane. The opened their hands.
"Scissors cuts paper," said Daria. "I get the bunk."
Jane curled up on the floor. They both fell asleep.
Hours later, Daria was awakened by a piercing scream.
"Don't you touch me!" yelled Jane, her back against the wall.
Daria blinked and looked around. She saw there was a large man in the cell with them. He smelled like strong liquor.
"What arrre you doin' in my jail?" the man slurred. He was obviously drunk.
"Your jail?" asked Daria. "Don't tell me you're the sheriff?"
The man snorted.
"Of course I'm not the sh-sheriff," he said. "I'm Otis Camp-Campbell. That's my bed you're sle-sleeping in."
"This is a jail," said Jane.
"Well, of c-course it is!" said Otis, holding the bars to steady himself.
"I don't believe this," said Daria. "Did that deputy stick him in here with us?"
"I l-let myself in," said Otis.
"Excuse me?" said Jane.
Otis stuck his hand through the bars, reached high and to the right, and came back with a set of jail keys.
"We could get out," said Daria.
"The deputy has our names and everything," said Jane. "How far would we get? Better a speeding ticket than get charged with a jailbreak."
"*This* guy apparently comes and goes as he pleases," said Daria, looking at Otis.
"This town is so weird," said Jane.
Just then Deputy Fife, looking harried, came running through the front door.
"Uh, excuse me!" shouted Jane.
"Look, ladies, I don't have time for..."
Then he looked into the cell.
"Otis! What are you doing in there?"
"Barney, I know this is-isn't my regular n-night..." began Otis.
"You can't stay in there with them!" said Barney.
The deputy pulled out his own keys, opened the cell, and roughly pulled Otis out.
"Now go home! You wife will just have to put up with you tonight. We got lawbreakers coming out of the woodwork right now. Go!"
He pushed Otis out the front door.
"Uh, Deputy Fife," said Jane. "Can we have our phone call now?"
"What? Now, look..."
"Isn't that a law? We get a free phone call," said Daria.
"The phone lines are down," said the deputy. "An eighteen-wheeler took down a phone pole. What do you think I'm doing, running around this time of night?"
"We have cell phones in my car," said Jane.
"Nope. You have to call from here. Now I've got to deal with this truck situation! Andy's not here and it's my baby!"
"But..." said Jane.
Deputy Fife was out the door before she could say any more.
Daria reached up to see if Otis's keys were still hanging by the cell door.
"He must have taken them," said Daria. "They're not there."
"They give drunks their own jail keys," said Jane. "What kind of town is this?"
"The meat loaf and mashed potatoes were good," said Daria.
"Yeah," said Jane, sitting down on the floor. "I wonder what this sheriff is like?"
"The famous Andy?" asked Daria. "Probably like Jackie Gleason. You know, Buford T. Justice?"
"I hope not," said Jane. "I'm going to sleep some more."
By the time Daria woke up again, it was daylight. She tapped Jane's shoulder.
"It's morning," said Daria.
"And we're still here," said Jane, stretching and standing up.
"Maybe Aunt Bea will bring us some breakfast," said Daria.
They waited.
Finally the door to the sheriff's office opened again.
Daria and Jane saw two men enter whom they hadn't seen before. One was tall, nerdish, wearing a mustache, suit and bowtie.
The other, a man with dark hair and a serious but kindly look, was wearing a uniform similar to Deputy Fife's.
"So, Howard, they had us stay overnight for this big early mornin' session and then the feller ups and confesses overnight," said the uniformed man in a strong southern accent. "So we all stayed over for nothin'".
"Ahem!" said Jane loudly.
"Oh, hi," said the taller man, smiling nerdishly.
"I'm Andy Taylor," said the other man. "You two must be Miss Morgendorffer and Miss Lane."
"That's right," said Daria. "I'm Daria Morgendorffer."
"My deputy says you two were speedin' through town like a bat outta hell," said the sheriff, frowning at them.
"I don't even think I was going 20 miles per hour," said Jane.
"Well, we'll get this straightened out," said the sheriff.
He picked up the phone.
"Hmmm. Phone's not working'. Musta been that truck crash Barney called about."
"Yeah, all the phones were out last night," said Howard.
Just then Barney Fife burst through the front door, excited, his radar gun in hand.
"Andy! I got another one! This guy was going over 100 right down..."
"Slow down, slow down, Barn'," said the sheriff.
"Boy, this radar gun is sure something! I'll just bet people have been speeding down Main Street all along but now we'll have proof..."
"I never saw anyone go 100 on Main Street," said Howard, puzzled.
"These babies don't lie," said Barney, affectionately patting the radar gun before setting it on Andy's desk.
"Barney, will you stop a minute?" said Andy.
"Sure, Anje," he said.
"Now tell me about Miss Lane and Miss Morgendorffer."
"Ha!" said Barney. "I clocked 'em at 80 miles per hour. These big city folks from the North think they can just.."
Howard had picked up the radar gun and was aiming it at Barney.
"Howard, that's not a toy!" said Barney, exasperated.
Howard chuckled.
"It says you're going 70 miles an hour, Barney" said Howard.
Andy grabbed the radar gun from Howard and examined it.
"Barn', did you calibrate this radar gun before you used it?" he said in a threatening tone.
Barney's jaw had dropped open and his eyes were wide.
"C-c-c-c-calib-c-calibrate?" he stuttered.
"You know you hafta calibrate 'em before you use 'em" said Andy firmly.
Barney's jaw had dropped even further.
Andy pulled some jail keys out of his desk drawer, walked over to the cell and opened the door.
"I'm sorry, ladies, there appears to have been a mistake here. My sincerest apologies on behalf of my deputy and myself. Now if there's anything I..."
"You could direct us to G and G's," said Jane, stepping out of the cell along with Daria before anyone got the idea to close it again. "We were just stopping for gas when this all happened."
Andy walked back to the desk and tried the phone again.
"Sarah? Yeah, I know the phones are workin' again. Get me Goober, will ya?"
Several seconds passed.
"Hey Goober? Andy here. Look, there's a coupla gals with outta-state license plates..."
"Massachusetts," said Daria.
"... Massachusetts license plates comin' by momentarily. I'd appreciate it if you give 'em a fill-up, oil change, lube job, anything else they ask for and charge it to the sheriff's office. That's right. 'Bye."
"But.. but..." stammered Barney.
"Ladies, y'all just follow Howard here. He'll lead you to G and G's gas station. Once more, my sincerest apologies for all this."
"Uh, thanks, Sheriff," said Jane.
"Yes, thanks," said Daria, a bit stunned at the turn of events.
As they walked to their cars, they heard Andy's voice booming from the sheriff's office. Howard visibly winced.
"You beat all, Barn'!! I mean it, you jes'... beat... ALL!!"
"Are you still going to call your mother?" asked Jane. "We never did get our free phone call."
They were back on Interstate 95. Daria was driving.
"She wouldn't believe it," said Daria.
"I can barely believe it myself," said Jane.
Several minutes passed.
"Do you think that guy at the gas station really used to be a Marine?"
"Are you kidding?" said Daria. "That would be like Kevin being a Marine."
They both laughed at the thought. They'd stop for lunch in Virginia, and be back in Boston before midnight.
THE END
Closing Theme: "The Fishin' Hole" (The Andy Griffith Theme)
Alter Egos: Daria as Aunt Bea, Trent as Howard Sprague, Kevin as Gomer Pyle, Jane as Helen Crump, Jake as Floyd Lawson, Quinn as Thelma Lou, Upchuck as Ernest T. Bass, Tad Gupty as Opie, Brittany as Charlene Darling.
This fic dedicated to the memory of Don Knotts.